Sidekicks

...not the hit film with Chuck Norris. Sorry.

The drummer from Fall Out Boy just came in and bought a Sidekick III from Chris. I'm pretty sure you can read all about it in his hit blog, titled "Holy shit, I just touched Fall Out Boy. I did! I touched 1/4 of the entire band!"

This happenstance, however, completely highlights and underscores my key problem with the Sidekick III: Their target audience is unwanted celebrities. You know who was at the Sidekick III launch party? Paris Hilton was there. Fall Out Boy was probably there, but apparently they told their drummer that they all had to collectively wash their hair or something and then snuck off, hoping he wouldn't find out. Outside of that I think it was most likely just Scott Stapp and a couple of the hobbits from the second Lord of the Rings movie. You know who I didn't see in the headlines, calling all of their friends and shouting their Sidekick Love? Deaf People.

Now before you jump to the [correct] conclusion that I'm just being an asshole, the Sidekick II is fucking huge in the deaf community. On one hand I'm terribly impressed with marketing, because do you know how difficult it is to market a goddamn phone for a deaf person? It's like RayBan getting Ray Charles to be their spokesman. "The light never bugs me. Choose RayBan!" On the flipside--I've got nothing but respect for the applications of the Sidekick II. I deal with customers via paper and pen all the time because of that fucking thing and you know what? I love it. Nobody can tell how good or terrible of a job I'm doing, I'm just writing that shit down. After it's all done I drop it all in the paper shredder. Confidentiality. Also, I don't want them to see that I just told a customer that they made me miss the circus a little bit.

For serious, though, the Sidekick lets deaf people communicate a lot easier and in a lot more style than ever before. Plus everyone is wearing bluetooth headsets so now hearing aids look cool, too. I had a customer bring in their nonresponsive Sidekick the other day and when we got it up and going one of the first things I [accidentally] noticed was a message on it that just said "Becky, where the hell are you, you fucking whore?" and it made me happy. T-Mobile makes it easier for deaf people to be called fucking whores. Equality at its finest? I think so. I'm proud to be a part of that.

So now they have to come in with the Sidekick III and fuck it all up. Is Paris Hilton deaf? I didn't get that impression from that video clip. Is the drummer from Fall Out Boy deaf? Listening to their newest CD one might be inclined to think so, but again: I didn't get that impression from that video clip.

...awkward.

The Sidekick III is incorporating a few new features: It looks exactly the same, only black. It has an upgradable memory card. It also supports Bluetooth. And, lastly: squeezable track ball. To break it down, the memory card allows you to store and play MP3's. The Bluetooth headset allows for wireless phone calls. And a squeezable track ball. The track ball was pretty cool. But, again... The #1 device out there for the deaf community? Sure, let's give that shit the ability to play music. That's probably something they've been losing sleep over, their phone not being able to spit out audio. And just to put the sprinkles on the icing of the cake, let's give them the option of buy a wireless audio headset. Phenomenal.

To take a second and illustrate the cake metaphor: It looks like it was made by the handicapped. For serious. I mean these were probably the cake guys who sent this to Rwanda:

And that's not cool.

Okay. So nobody with any common sense would use this as a phone. Anyone who actually needs portable internet access would get a device like a BlackBerry or an MDA/SDA that allows you to receive, edit and send documents and then go fuck around on MySpace. So what are we left with? The kid from Fall Out Boy. And Paris Hilton. And probably Tom Cruise because it'll help him reach OT Level 12 or something--I don't know, the whole religion is spending money. And kids who have the impenetrable argument for their rich parents of But Fred Savage has one!

Ah, who am I kidding? I can't argue against that. Fred Savage is pretty damn cool. I mean, he was in The Wizard. Game Over.

PS: That's definitely Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley.