Give me an SOS: Very Emergency. An SOS? Oh, yes.

This is all quite temporary. I've been rummaging and I came across some scraps. This is something very Pahlaniuk-esque that I jotted down at some point in the past couple years and forgot about. Out of boredom I'm putting it up here for a short while:

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            If you want to meet people-- do something bad.
            No kidding.
            To meet someone in another car while driving in traffic? Get ahead of them on the left side and hit them. Apologize profusely for not checking the blind spot. It helps to if this occurs during daytime and not during rush hour traffic. People are less likely to be headed somewhere in a hurry--like to or from work--if its 2:15 in the afternoon. And with less traffic there's less of an embarrassment factor, people don't feel self-conscious.
            If you hit someone from directly behind or just the tail of their car they're 70% more likely to just drive away and pretend nothing happened. If they do pull over and stop they never say its okay, it happens. They just think you're an idiot.
            It helps if there's another person in the car with them, but if this someone is of the opposite sex you run the risk of wasting your time.
            Don't do this at over 20 miles an hour. Any more and the impact is 60% more likely to cause more than just superficial damage. Plus you always run the risk that the driver will reflexively pull away and if this is in the city you may accidentally cause a case of vehicular manslaughter.
            If this occurs you are best off to just keep driving. Everyone will be staring at the car that actually hit the person and you'll find yourself 98% more likely to go unnoticed.
            Hit at less than a 45-degree angle. That area between your back right bumper and back right tire should be the point of collision. Aim for the corner of their car by the left headlight. Make sure you do the impacting. All of this will provide the cheapest and safest damage. You shouldn't have to do any more to repair your car than apply surface paint. For their car the worst case is usually a busted light.
            This is all damage control.
            75% of the time they will be calm. Polite. Re-assuring.
            This is more than statistics; more than science and numbers. This is experience talking here. Experience tells me that 3 out of every 4 women I sideline will get out of the car with a smile on their face. 6 out of every 8 will be laughing at the situation. Scratch your head, look embarrassed. Don't look panicked or rushed.
            This is where you exchange information. A quick jerk of the wheel to the right and you have a face. A name. A phone number. A first impression as a nice guy who slipped up.
            This is less costly than going out to a club. You don't spend hours looking for someone as desperate as yourself.
            If you get one of those 3 out of 12 girls who are angry- it's no problem. Be late for an important meeting. Give them an important name. More important than your real one. Quick and clean.
            The other 12 out of 15? Promise to take care of the damage, no matter how minor. Insist upon it. Offer to buy them a drink to apologize. Insist upon it. In these situations it's best to ask questions without asking questions.
        Say And you were probably in a hurry too as a way of asking Where are you going? This is an important step. The response you get almost always gives you key information. Job information. School information. Boyfriend information.
            That last one can usually be worked around. I'll bet their boyfriend never crashed a car into them before. 3 and a ¼ minutes in and you've already got the edge.
            If they aren't headed anywhere offer to buy coffee, or lunch. The rush of adrenaline will still be present and they'll be far more interested in prolonging the experience than they would be in the creepy guy who keeps calling after the fact. Most people will at least see this as a story to tell their co-workers and friends. They want to get as much information as possible to add to their water-cooler tale of excitement.
            This is where an accident becomes an experience. A journey. An adventure the two of you share. You are already fresh and exciting and all for knocking the headlight off a 2005 Lexus.
            For serious, you can't get this kind of PR at your local tavern.
            Be aware of using this trick often: It might become habit. I've had to consciously make sure I didn't pull it twice in the same spot on any given week. On three occasions I've come close to doing it while someone was in the car with me. If this happens to you and the girl at your side is a result of said technique you can usually crack a joke about repeating old mistakes.
            Of course this technique will grow old; This is just the first step of a downward spiral.
            At the supermarket carry around a condiment of choice. Try to pick something trendy. These no-name name brands will usually have a flimsier packaging. When the target walks by either squeeze the bottle or drop the container with the cap slightly loosened. With any skill the contents will spray out over yourself and the passerby.
            It's important that you get at least nearly as messy as the person youre secretly aiming at. If not they are 4 out of 7 times more likely to get angry. If it's something that stains that number rises to 6 out 8.
            If it's a squeezable bottle and it looks like you slipped up because of the person, but on accident, that number drops to 1 or 2 out of 9. This is ideal.
            Apologize. Swap names. Talk fabric softener or whatever you can think of without looking desperate. I like to do a sweep of the store and grab one item to match each prospective candidate, then pick an ideal spot like the cereal or soda aisle and wait for one to happen past.
            Co-ops are the best for this. They notice the no-name name brands more and because its awkward to offer to pay for something in this situation you can usually ask to help carry their groceries home. Try to make sure they're shopping alone before you strike or again you run unnecessary risk. You can usually ask what Laundromat they use as well. Pretend to use the same one and act surprised.
            Claim to go two set days of the week, pick later times. Half of the girls that make it to this point have set days and times.
            Most of these usually don't mind if you offer to move your day up and donate to the laundry fund. Never use the words Ill pay or Let me. Always use Do you mind?
            Try to look flustered and embarrassed.
            Energetic.
            At universities carry around loose papers that look important and an earmarked book of choice. Make sure you don't bring papers that relate to targets. Bring medical journal clippings to law schools; historical case minutes to art wings.
            The trick is to aim for Sophomores or Juniors. If you hit a grad student they will be far too interested in what knowledge you actually have. If you hit a Freshman they usually are too insecure yet to go for the bait. 13 out of 15 University Freshman feel insecure when confronted with a student who knows what they're doing. You're not, and you don't, but they don't know this. Partially that should make you feel good because it means your disguise is working.
            On airplanes don't bring a carry-on that you can't fit on your person. Use the restroom shortly after takeoff and forget where your seat is. Explain to the stewardess that you're terribly embarrassed at the situation but seem to have misplaced your ticket stub. Half of the time they will give you the pick of the litter for seats and you can look for that attractive somebody who looks approachable. If they aren't approachable you can usually find out quickly and pick again.
            The other half of the time you'll be set in a guaranteed vacant spot that just happens to be near the queuing area for the attendants. They keep these areas sparse to help cut down on passengers overhearing talk about the flight and possible issues that may arise. 65% of the time this will result in extra attention from the employee who helped you.
            Pick a flight that is arriving somewhere between 1:30 and 2:30 in the morning. Airline attendants usually dont fly back out for at least two hours when they arrive at these times and will usually be more than happy to accept a drink from you for all their help. It's easy to talk to stewardesses. The two consistencies they all share is loneliness and travel. It's easy to talk to lonely people about travel.
            These are all quick, easy guarantees to meet people. Whether youre looking for a friend or a screw, a story or whatever you can think of that you want from people--these are surefire techniques.
            This is how it started for me.
            I wasn't always a monster.
            At a Convenience Store get caught by the shopgirl pocketing something. Claim to be a recovering kleptomaniac and that you for real do it without even noticing. Use conversation with the excuse that you're new to the area and if you know the people youll be interacting with you're much less likely to swipe.
            Needless to say the techniques these can lead to can get a little extreme. We're talking deception here. We're talking lies and seduction. Manipulation.
            You may have to work at this.
            At the Music Shop drop casual comments about your local band and bring blank demo tapes. Claim later that there was a recording issue.
            It may not come as easy for you as it did for me.
            Deactivate the smoke detector in your apartment building by a back entrance and start a small fire near your attractive neighbor's apartment. It's best if you call the fire department in advance to stop this one from getting out of control. Spray a perimeter around the carpet, walls and ceiling with non-flammable contact adhesive. Coat the carpet inside this perimeter with light amounts of rubbing alcohol. When you start the fire it should be menacing but not spread past the protective layer. Be the hero that refuses to leave without saving the girl.          
            I mean, I'm a Doctor. Deceit and manipulation are second nature for me.
            Your average grocery-bagger doesn't have the resources to buy flights to spend a Friday night. Your average student can't handle his own major, let alone fake mastery of another.
            You can always scale it back a bit: At the Bookstore spill coffee on someones book at the café.
            Keep this mantra in mind: Practice makes perfect.
            Frequent Cosmetic Surgeon waiting rooms and tell the waiting patients that your agent is altering your chin for your new pilot.
            All you have to do is not tell the truth.
            Check thrift stores for slightly worn polo shirts that have Yacht Club insignia still intact. Starch, bleach and air dry to make like new and have lunch alone at places that require appointments while you wear it. Sit near the bar. Forget your wallet. Bartender, Waitress or Attendee- the angle's always there.
            It only gets easier over time.
            I make appointments to dozens of different restaurants under dozens of aliases every week, just to be prepared.
            If you dont want to be like me just stop reading right now.
            Its all organized and cross-referenced in my address book.
            At the Video Store grab an independent film and claim to be the gaffer. Nobody ever knows what the gaffer does and if you name-drop enough they never ask.
            For serious- get out while you can.
            Don't say I didn't warn you.

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There was another section down but it pretty quickly jumped to a darker place than I wanted it to go and I never bothered to rectify the problem or expound. Eh. Spring cleaning. Of a sort.