November 2005 Archives

So this asshole I work with today has the balls to walk up to the balloons that we had hanging in front of our store and let them all fly away. I think he hates blind people. This is terrorism in the worst fucking scenario ever. As soon as he did this the clump of balloons arose as high as they could through the atmosphere before loosing their stores of deadly helium onto this fragile planet. This pierced our protective ozone and I'm sure will one day kill your children, or at least give them a bad sun burn. I'm not too sure what that ozone is there for but you can be assured the result of it disappearing is going to be catastrophic for Menomonee Falls. But that's not all...

So I really need to go in and speak with admissions, or re-admissions, or (in this case) re-re-admissions at UWM. I'm a little worried the conversation will turn into a situation like this:

And I don't like these situations. I don't like giving people an open shot to claim superiority over me. Especially because I'm a better person than most people I know. So to give them the claim to be superior to me, well I'm just setting myself up to be worse than someone below me anyway. That's twice the Alex-ness.

That's why this time around I've decided to play it safe.

This is the guy I need to become.

Okay, here's what I need:

* A tuxedo
I have a tuxedo from high school but I need a suit that's money. It could be like made out of five dollar bills money, but I need a money suit.

* Shoes that are pointy as hell
Turns out the monopoly guy has pointy feet, so I'm assuming all upper-class and nobility do. This could get tricky. I wear size thirteen's and I'm assuming that they'll either look like massive triangles or just awkward as hell. If anyone knows a Social Elitist Shoe Store (S.E.S.S) let me know.

* Badass Cigars
I think I need to go to the Jeffers on this one. I need better than cubans, and more illegal too so when I break it out on campus I can show them that I mean serious shit.

* Diamond Cane and Leather Top Hat
You can't see it from the picture but trust me: the can is there. I may not have thrown out my back yet but the fuck if I'm going to waste my full effort on something so stupid as walking. And if I'm not walking, I'm not walking in style.

* Cell Shading
Mike and Maya: This one's all you. Make it happen.

* Monocle
This may be the most important piece of the puzzle yet. In fact I think I could show up in a ASU sweatshirt and track pants and still pull off money superiority if I'm sporting the right eyewear. Do you fuck with a guy wearing a monocle? No you don't.

This kid's got the right idea, except he's smoking like a pussy. If he wanted to play his cards right and be a 4th year sophomore then he needs to be smoking cloves or out of a pipe. Or maybe those long filtered cigarettes. But either way, he's a ways off from pirate cool.

I'm not playing around this time, as you can tell. If anyone has any other tips to guarantee my resurrection feel free to let me know.

Couple of things, none of which have any pressing pertinence to, well, anything.

First off: at Best Buy we are forced to donate to the United Way. It's one of those optional things where they basically tell you

Sure, it's optional. If you hate Black people.
What?
What?
...did you just say-
What? I didn't say anything.
Okay.
Nazi.
Wait- I totally heard that one.
No you didn't.
I did!
Whatever.
I hate you.
So's your face.
Okay- you didn't even try to cover that one up. And it didn't even make sense!
Your face didn't even try to make sense.

and are as such forced to donate.

Please not that a large portion of this is a better description of why I don't eat meat and thus boring as hell.

     I've been getting some shit from people lately when I try to explain my half-assed vegetarianism and my reasonings behind it. And this flack is rightly dished because honestly it sounds like either emo bullshit or pussying-out when I try to explain it.
     When I was a kid I ate meat. At some point early on my mom went Vegetarian and gave me an option. I asked why she made her choices and she presented it to me, a 4-year old, as "Every bite of meat you take is a chance to die." Needless to say this kind of scared the piss out of me and those Chicken McNugget Happy Meals just didn't quite seem worth dying for. Close, but not quite there.

I need beer. More importantly: beer needs me. I worked 8 AM to 12:15 AM yesterday. That's a long time to work. I also [ Best Buy speak ] while working re-planogramed 6 sections of video game aisles, cased or de-cased (as necessary) somewhere over 160 video games, put away 27 totes of various Media product, put away 11 shopping carts full of video game accessories, and [ / Best Buy speak ] owned the fucking house. Today I worked 8 AM to 4:30 PM. Only I didn't show up until 9:30. And as my dose of karma got screwed into sticking around til 8:30 PM. fuckshit.